How did we get here again. That’s what I’ve been asking myself all night, sitting on the balcony, chain smoking like the sky was about to fall apart atop me. I wish I could understand this. I really do. And I wish I didn’t feel so goddamn helpless.
I threw some things across the room. And my throat is raw from all that sweet smoke. And I wanted to hurt someone last night, so much more than I ever have in my entire life. This is too much.
You said you wanted to leave here last week. And I said that I did, too. And as much as I know I would miss you, I think you should get out. I think you should go somewhere that makes you feel beautiful and alive. Somewhere you want to wake up to. Because no, there isn’t anything here for you. And I cannot continue to watch you spiral out. I love you too fucking much.
So much is changing and been changing now. Pages are turning and chapters are coming to an end. I don’t know what to do or how to feel aside from awful. I prayed that this would never happen again, but not everything works out the way we’d like it to.
I realize this is not about me, but it feels like a part of myself is breaking off. Floating away until it’s out of sight. I don’t really know who you are anymore. Not really, anyway. And that’s a hard thing to admit.
I love you. With all of my heart, I do. Through everything. And it hurts so much.
I just want everything to be okay. For you to be okay. I honestly cannot handle this again.